By Amy Keiper-Shaw
LCSW, CT, GC-C, ACHP-SW, CDP, End of Life Doula
When a young person dies, it can be particularly upsetting, especially if the death was unexpected. As a child or teen, you may feel like you want to help the person who is grieving, but you may not know how. Here are some tips you can use to be of support:
Allow them to tell their stories. Ask questions like:
“What do you miss?”
“Tell me about…”
Validate however they are feeling.
“It’s okay to feel that way.”
Things to remember:
• There is no one-size-fits-all in grief.
• Grief isn’t something you can fix.
• Grief isn’t linear – it doesn’t move along in predictable steps and there is no “getting over” grief.
• Grief looks different for everyone.
• There is no timeline for grief. We grieve as long as we love.
• Be willing to sit in silence – if you don’t know what to say, then don’t say anything.
• Let the bereaved tell the story again and again – this allows them to process the loss and make meaning of the death.
As a supporter, you may struggle with what to say to someone who is grieving. Sometimes just saying, “I don’t even have the words to tell you how sorry I am that you are hurting,” is enough.
While there is nothing you say to someone that you can’t clarify later, here are some things that may not be as helpful in talking with someone who is grieving:
• I know how you feel
• It’s part of God’s plan
• They are in a better place
• Statements starting with “at least”
• Don’t offer advice unless asked.
Offer practical assistance:
• Grab their favorite drink or snack from Starbucks or Dunkin to feed not only their spirit, but also their bellies.
• Share notes from class and homework assignments.
• Take care of their pets – take their dog for a walk.
• Offer them a ride to school or an event – they may use that time to talk about how they are feeling.
Provide ongoing support beyond the funeral and burial:
• Periodically check in by calling or sending a text, email or note.
• Acknowledge important dates like birthdays, prom, or the death anniversary.
• Help them create a memorial.
• Volunteer at a place that mattered to the person who died (i.e. pet shelter, soup kitchen).
• Plant a flower, tree or bush in their honor.
• Help create a PowerPoint or memorial board at the funeral or a photo album afterwards.
Watch for signs that the grief is negatively affecting them. This can show up as extreme sadness, nightmares and inability to stop thinking about the person who died. The person who is grieving may even experience physical symptoms like chest or stomach pain.
It’s a lot to carry to be a support for someone who is grieving. Make sure you have someone you can talk to as well.
Should you have questions or concerns about a child or teen who is grieving, please feel free to reach out to us. No one should have to go through grief alone.
Call Hands Holding Hearts at 445-444-5375 or send an email to contact@handsholdinghearts.org
Click the link to listen to our related podcast episode:
Kids: Coping With Grief and Loss
Amy Keiper-Shaw
Amy Keiper-Shaw, Executive Director, Hands Holding Hearts, graduated from Cedar Crest College Magna Cum Laude with a dual degree in Psychology and Social Work. Amy furthered her studies at the University of Pennsylvania and graduated with a Masters Degree in Clinical Social Work. Amy is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Certified Grief Counselor, a Clinical Thanatologist and a Certified Dementia Practitioner. She also received training to become a Clinical Certified Trauma Professional through IATP.
She is a member of the National Association of Professional Women and the National Association of Social Workers. For several years she was employed in the field of psychiatric social work focusing on maintaining positive emotional health and re-hospitalization prevention. Amy has provided individual and group counseling in outpatient, inpatient and partial hospital settings. She was a bereavement counselor for a hospice program for over a decade and has been facilitating a bereavement camp for children for more than 12 years.