By Amy Keiper-Shaw
LCSW, CT, GC-C, ACHP-SW, CDP, End of Life Doula
When there is a sudden loss of a student, the community around the student may struggle with how to offer support. We hope this article may help provide some guidance.
Give the students time to express their feelings. It may take some time for them to put their feelings and thoughts to words. Being with, rather than doing for, is essential in this time of loss.
Remind students that there is no “right way to grieve,” nor is there a timeline for grief. Let them know that grief will lessen over time and that even though feelings may feel heavy to carry now, they will not feel this heavy forever.
Provide options for memorialization. Speak about the person who died. Use their name. Talk about the empty chair in the classroom. Do students want to keep it where it is? For how long? Do they want to write notes to the person who died and leave them on the chair? Do they want to create a peer support group or club that relates to the loss (i.e. Students Against Destructive Decisions)? The act of acknowledging the elephant (or chair) in the room will help to normalize grief. Loss is something that every one of us will experience at some time in our lifetimes. Creating a way to memorialize them can be an opportunity to provide some healing and offer a sense of control especially in situations in which the griever may have had little control.
As a teacher, parent, or important person in the child’s life, help to model different ways to grieve in a way that will not harm oneself or others. Painting, writing poetry, creating a favorite playlist on Spotify, going for a run, looking at photos, and allowing yourself to cry, yell, or even be happy, are all normal feelings to experience in grief. Knowing that it is okay to want to be happy can help to relieve guilt for wanting things to go back to a routine. Wanting to feel joy does not mean that they cared any less about the person who died.
Be flexible. This may mean giving some leniency on getting to class, attention in class, when assignments are due, or allowing for a break in the middle of class if feelings become too big. Sometimes having a code word or agreed upon movement can signal that a break is needed. While routines can generally be helpful for children as they are grieving, it is okay to afford some flexibility with them as well.
As Mr. Rodgers used to say, “Look for the helpers” in times of crisis. Provide options for safe havens for teens to express their feelings such as a guidance counselor, pastor, trusted neighbor, or a grief therapist. Needing support is not a sign of weakness, but rather an example of how much the person who died meant to the griever. Talking about them can help to create a legacy.
Finally, listen. Even though it may be painful, try not to interrupt, judge or give advice unless asked for by the griever. By not interrupting the griever, it will help to foster trust to further explore their grief with you. There is a saying that this is why we have two ears and only one mouth.
Should you have questions or concerns about a child or teen who is grieving, please feel free to reach out to us. No one should have to go through grief alone.
Call Hands Holding Hearts at 445-444-5375 or send an email to contact@handsholdinghearts.org
Click the link to listen to our related podcast episode:
Adults: Coping With Grief and Loss
Amy Keiper-Shaw
Amy Keiper-Shaw, Executive Director, Hands Holding Hearts, graduated from Cedar Crest College Magna Cum Laude with a dual degree in Psychology and Social Work. Amy furthered her studies at the University of Pennsylvania and graduated with a Masters Degree in Clinical Social Work. Amy is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Certified Grief Counselor, a Clinical Thanatologist and a Certified Dementia Practitioner. She also received training to become a Clinical Certified Trauma Professional through IATP.
She is a member of the National Association of Professional Women and the National Association of Social Workers. For several years she was employed in the field of psychiatric social work focusing on maintaining positive emotional health and re-hospitalization prevention. Amy has provided individual and group counseling in outpatient, inpatient and partial hospital settings. She was a bereavement counselor for a hospice program for over a decade and has been facilitating a bereavement camp for children for more than 12 years.